Chelsea--I loved it!!! The narrative is strong, well-written, and will keep your reader's interest. I'm impressed. *grin*
I only have a couple of comments.
"Tension had been building for what seemed to be months on end as hard days and long, sleepless nights bled endlessly into one another under a mantle of terror."
This is a fabulous opening line, but it took me a couple of read-throughs to make it make sense. The wording is good, but it's a bit long, and it might make more sense if you break it up a bit. Please consider something like: "Tension has been building for what seemed like months on end. Hard days and long sleepless nights bled endlessly into one another under a mantle of terror."
You may also want to watch your tenses - this is an issue of mine, too, so I tend to watch for that. For example: "tension has been building..." "hard days... bled..."
"tension has built...""hard days bled" or "tension has been building...""hard days bleed"... might be possible revisions.
"her pitch-colored hair tossed in an ominous wind." - I love this. Nice images and alliteration here... great foreshadowing.
Chelsea--I loved it!!! The narrative is strong, well-written, and will keep your reader's interest. I'm impressed. *grin*
ReplyDeleteI only have a couple of comments.
"Tension had been building for what seemed to be months on end as hard days and long, sleepless nights bled endlessly into one another under a mantle of terror."
This is a fabulous opening line, but it took me a couple of read-throughs to make it make sense. The wording is good, but it's a bit long, and it might make more sense if you break it up a bit. Please consider something like: "Tension has been building for what seemed like months on end. Hard days and long sleepless nights bled endlessly into one another under a mantle of terror."
You may also want to watch your tenses - this is an issue of mine, too, so I tend to watch for that. For example: "tension has been building..." "hard days... bled..."
"tension has built...""hard days bled" or "tension has been building...""hard days bleed"... might be possible revisions.
"her pitch-colored hair tossed in an ominous wind." - I love this. Nice images and alliteration here... great foreshadowing.
Overall, nicely done and great writing!!
I can email you the first chapter, if you like?
ReplyDelete-headtilt-